Welcome to our self help guide
We know how busy people are. Here you can find some 5 minute exercises to help your relationships.
Strong relationships are important for our wellbeing and happiness, as well as those of our families. If relationships are stressed, we can feel sad and lonely but there are some good tips here to help you.
Decide whether you want to start the exercises on your own before you do them together with your partner. You can use these for lots of different situations and conversations.
How to argue better
Disagreements are normal. We can end up feeling upset and anxious when they are frequent, loud and seem hard to resolve.
The exercises ask you to take 5 minutes to think about your arguments. They offer ideas about how to sort things out in a more positive way.
Arguing is not about winning, but about resolving problems.
It is all about communication
Some tips for better communication:
- Show you care.
- Say thank you.
- Show interest.
- Listen, so that you can understand what people are trying to tell you.
- Lighten up!
What do you argue about?
There are many situations you and your partner might argue about. Here are a few examples for you to think about:
- Money
- Relationships and wider family
- Parenting style
- Household chores
- Being unfaithful
- Work or unemployment
- Social media
- Sex and intimacy
- Housing
- Friends
- Debt
- Babies
We can sometimes forget the things that are going well. Take 5 minutes to think about all the things you agree on and celebrate them.
Spotlight on the argument
What do you argue about?
For example, you might say that you are “always arguing about money”.
What are you really arguing about?
What is it about money that causes the disagreement? Is it that you and your partner like to spend money on different things?
Think about how your arguments unfold:
- What is the issue that caused the argument
- What starts the argument?
- What adds 'fuel' to the fire?
- how does the argument usually end?
Take 5 minutes to:
- Think about the argument that is often to start and why.
- Think about how you can talk about the problem differently next time.
Healthier arguments will benefit your children
Children are like sponges and absorb everything around them (even when you think they’re not listening).
Often children don’t understand what you are arguing about and think it’s their fault.
Spend some time trying to sort out your differences in a better way. This will reassure them and teach them how to sort out problems in their own relationships.
Healthier arguments will mean your child will:
- Be happier and feel more secure
- Worry less
- Sleep better
- Be more resilient
- Develop better and more trusting relationships
- Learn how to manage conflict and arguments
- Focus better at nursery and school
When arguments are frequent, heated and not resolved they can affect your child in many ways. Sometimes children can feel stuck in the middle. Try your best to make sure that children know that the arguments aren't their fault.
Talking through the disagreement
Top tips for talking through the difficult stuff:
- Make sure you are calm. Give your partner notice that you would like to talk about the issue
- Slow down and breathe
- Focus on listening as well as talking
- Treat the other person as you would like to be treated
- Take responsibility when you make a mistake
- Be firm about your values but flexible where you can
- Look for issues you agree on but accept that it’s ok to see things differently sometimes
Take 5 minutes to prepare yourself before having difficult conversations.
Recognising bad habits
Arguments can often result with us blaming the other person. Phrases such as:
- 'You never help me with housework'
- 'You don't care about me'
- 'You never pay any attention to me'
Take 5 minutes to think about how this message comes across.
We sometimes forget how much our words can hurt.
Take 5 minutes to think about how you would feel if someone said it to you. Always try to be kind.
When you have hurt someone try to do some of the following:
- Show you are sorry
- Take responsibility
- Consider issues from somebody else's point of view
Try not to:
- Make excuses
- Interrupt to get your point across
- Use examples from the past to prove you are right
Try to be clear about what you want
Remember, your partner is not a mind reader!
Try to communicate your needs with them, think about phrases like:
- 'I need help with..'
- 'I would like us to stop..'
- 'I don't understand why..'
Spot the difference
The next time an there's an argument, try some of the following:
- Show that you understand the other persons point of view.
- Accept that you might disagree.
- Come up with a list of possible solutions.
- Explain why you feel the way you do.
- Be willing to compromise and listen to suggestions.
- End the argument once you both feel like you have been heard.
Take 5 minutes to think about how you can be more positive in conversation.
Where did the argument come from?
Take 5 minutes to think about your last argument and how it started.
If we work out what makes us upset, we can start to think about ways of explaining it to others.
It’s not always obvious to our partners.
When you need to communicate something try use the following steps:
- Point out the behaviour that makes you upset.
- Tell them what you think about the behaviour.
- Tell them how that behaviour makes you feel.
- Explain how your behaviour changes after.
Managing social media and mobile phones
Social media and mobile phones are a part of modern life and they can be helpful for:
- Connecting to family and friends
- Sharing interests
- Learning
- Creating
- Memories
Social media can also cause feelings of:
- Jealousy
- Isolation and loneliness
- Inadequacy - not being as clever, happy, good looking or successful as other people
Tips for social media and mobiles
Take 5 minutes to read our tips for managing social media and mobiles.
Discuss and agree what works for your relationship:
- Turn off your notifications to avoid any distractions and focus more on the present.
- Set aside a time for social media to avoid the urge during quality time with your partner.
- Agree times when you will avoid social media and most phone calls.
- Be honest and communicate. If social media is making you feel unhappy, talk with your partner and explain how you are feeling.
- Agree what is acceptable about how you present yourself on social media. (e.g. partner in the profile photo, relationship status public).
Relationships change over time and have to adjust
Change can be really stressful and affects people differently.
Take 5 minutes to think about the events you have gone through together and how that has changed your relationship.
Where do you think you are now?
- Romance
- Reality
- Power struggle
- Finding yourself
- Acceptance
- Respect and understanding
What this page cannot sort out
Conflict and arguments are not domestic abuse, they are different things.
When there is fear in the relationship and a power imbalance, this is Domestic Abuse. There are some common signs:
- It will have a victim and a perpetrator
- It may be violent
- It is controlling
What is Domestic Abuse?
A pattern of behaviour that is used to gain/maintain power and control over an intimate partner.
Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person.
Getting help
If you are worried and are experiencing domestic abuse, you may feel alone and frightened. There is confidential support and advice available to you:
- Calderdale Staying Safe Team on 01422 323339. Monday - Friday, 9am-5pm.
- Refuge National Domestic Abuse helpline is available 24 hours on 0808 2000 247.
Domestic abuse is a crime. To report this, contact the Police on 111 or 999 in cases of emergency.
The language of love
Take 5 minutes to think about how you like to be shown love.
Does your partner understand your love languages? Have you told them?
Do you know how your partner likes to be shown love? Have you asked?
Here are some examples of love languages:
- Actions - Run an errand for your partner, cook a meal, complete a household chore.
- Gifts - Give thoughtful and meaningful gifts of any size without an occasion.
- Quality time - Give your partner undivided attention via exclusive time together.
- Saying nice things - Offer verbal compliments and words of appreciation.
- Physical Touch - Hug, kiss, hold hands.
The magic ratio
Aiming for 5 good feelings or actions to every one that is negative is considered to be “The Magic Ratio” (Gottman).
How do you do it?
- Show Interest
- Show affection
- Show your care and concern
- Be appreciative
- Listen so that you can understand
- Lighten things up through playfulness and humour where you can
Take 5 minutes to think how you can do any of those listed today. Remember to start slowly and kindly and notice when your partner does the same.
Get the 5 minute habit
We hope that you have found these tips useful.
Some of these are going to take more than 5 minutes to sort out. We have to start and make time in our busy lives to look after our relationships.
Remember: Be kind to yourself and others.
Getting more help if you need it
We have online and face to face relationship help for you in Calderdale.
For advice and guidance, contact the Early Help and Advice Officers:
- Email: earlyhelpadvice@calderdale.gov.uk.
- Phone: (01422) 393387.